A new TerraBull post

I shared my website today, the landing page, to introduce that part of me but  really I wanted him to find the blog. There’s a link on the site to here, to past, to a deeper me. It is something available for all to see, if they find it. 

I’m realizing of all the stuff to learn about me, it was those thoughts I wanted to share most of all. I discovered that as re-reading them myself. From the first post to the last in chronological order I found a new perspective of that time in life, in my own words. 

I found my words to have so much clarity, honesty and awareness it made me proud of myself that I could do that. Then or now. I can only assume others read it with that clarity of understanding as well, but as you might expect it speaks to me deeply. 

Like the moment between an ending and a beginning, the posts offer me a real time display of a life in transformation; my life. From empty, to sorrowful, angry to resigned. It’s all there and in between the words and the posts there is another story speaking to me. 

I was broken between a recipe for the tasty soup of the day and the announcement life will never be the same.  Each post thereafter is a moment of clarity through grief and renewal. 

I am also validated by the intentions and steps that got me to now, those nearly decade old awarenesses are fully integrated and foundational in my everyday.  Reading about their inception is also reinforcing them again. It is real. It did happen. I did that and It mattered VERY much. 

The last post was a political one. Quite fired up and angsty, and rightfully so. The world is still full of those same stories, players, angst and dishonor; only it seems far more intense now. I engage minimally.  That energy is in no way representative of a last, it offers no closure, no remedy, no healing. 

I don’t want my page to end in ferocity, nor my days, nor my life. It has its moments, it is not meant to linger. My journey was representative in beautiful ways as posts until they stopped, stuck in anger.  I immediately sensed a need for a new post. This post. 

Most intriguingly, and likely the reason I find myself in this awareness, is the meeting of someone new. On the most blessed Friday the 13th in history perhaps, we were presented a cosmic, karmic, sudden meeting. Him. Yes, It seems it is HIM. There is a sense of capitalization, there is nothing small about it. 

It is both calming and intense. It is both totally new and completely foreign. It is both fully trusted  and holy fucking shit Terra-fying. Actually there is no fear in the US, in the him or the me. The Terra-fying is the allowance. How do I know? Is this another test? Is the answer YES this time?  I just need to listen; GURL you know. He knows. The cards know. The songs know. The dogs know. It is known. So let it be. 

The allowance alone is overwhelming, the rest perhaps is just the good stuff. I recently heard it’s not trusting the leap, it’s trusting the landing; that feels very much like this moment. Allowing that which I / WE manifested – aligned to – called into existence – to actually BE is mind blowing. To have it email you and say hello I want to show up in the world for you in all the ways you called out for me to show up. To hear my name is love and I am open to give and receive in all ways you allow as you allow because that is who I am. To be told I am here to help hold your vessel too so you can let it overflow without fear. To feel I know you already love me and I will give you the space and time you need for you to allow it all too. 

It’s beautiful. Its powerful. It can knock the wind out of you like the wind that knocks down a tree. It’s the water that carves the mountain. It’s the spark that makes a new heart beat for the first time. Where does it come from? It is deep and old and everywhere laying in wait.  As was said, when the two shall meet, they unlock magical things. They become more than the sum of their parts. 

They became THEY and yet remained an I. An I in the storm – remaining calm for the other. An I in the sky – to see the big picture when lost. An I in the cream – to taste the blissful and sweet things in life. The 3rd I  – seeing and conscious of the possibilities within our I’s and US.

I have been preparing for a decade, a lifetime, and yet I am not prepared. I do not consciously know how, but I have arrived. I am open. I am destined for the good stuff and it seems I have yet to truly understand how good that could be.

Reading the posts and remembering what lived between them I can see when I stepped on this path of possibilities and how I chose it over and over again. WHY I chose it over and over again. I can see how it helped me release and reconcile and renew. Through all the stuff and things that crossed my path for nearly a decade of healing and discovering what it means to thrive, I can see the way to here. To ME. To HIM. To the creation of a new US.

I feel like an ancient explorer who just found a new room in the pyramids and its full of gold and silver.  It honors the gods and goddess of love. I am overwhelmed to have finally arrived after such a long dig to this beautiful place I never allowed myself to imagine. I am emotionally charged by the  beauty and connectedness I feel within this discovery. I have no idea what I will find in here, but it’s glowing! It is fun, it feels safe and it looks to offer a lifetime of treasures from the threshold of a room I have barely stepped into. 

There is no longer any angst, this post shall hold space and time in the creation of love. Let it be, so it is.