Category Archives: raves

raves, resilience

Short Trip, Long Ride

A big day in many ways.

Ultimately I let go of Zippi-T (my sweet little Mazda) and his memory loaded truck to bring home my new car, for the road ahead.

The journey there however was not easy. I had two cars to trade in so I drove the truck and a friend took my car. Moments after pulling out of the driveway it hit me. Hard. A massive guttural sobbing surge.

I had this overwhelming sensation of the warmth of his hands on his steering wheel. So I said bring it on and put on the music I knew would take me through.

Fucking A it was a gnarly 45 minutes. It was an unexpected hardcore goodbye. I was breathless. It was a fitting tribute considering the headbanging metal beasts Jason and the truck were… together.

I made a pit stop for a needed hug from my sister-in-law and pulled my shit together; then headed to the dealership a few blocks away. They were expecting me and welcomed me with warm cocoa and calm. I was able to proceed with the task and I’m sure he would have been proud of my negotiations.

keys to an old life
I’m glad to have the cars gone, now I have a new ride for a new journey
(and lower insurance payments).
I’m grateful for the weeping, it’s just what I had to do. I’m starting to grasp the fact that it’s gonna keep happening.
Get ready indeed, I’m exhausted.

I have to give a big shoutout to Honda of Marysville for making the process as seamless and supportive as possible. They were informed, prepared, flexible and considerate. It was just as it was supposed to be. The ride home was smooth.

After all that, when I settled in for the evening, I wrote this;

Four-Wheel Farewell

He held my hands

I could feel his warmth

we gripped the steering wheel together.

A final ride,

a long goodbye,

I have been forsaken.

Wheels roll on

like years now gone

leading me on a new journey.

The song fueled tears

leave me gasping

and breathless.

 I’m Cruising down the road

feeling reckless;

because you’re here

with me.

Again.

Wheels roll on

like years now gone

leading me on a new journey.

The ride is over,

the end is here,

there is no more road to travel.

For us.

From here on out

I’ve got to work it out

in my own way.

Wheels roll on

like years now gone

leading me on a new journey.

Because of you,

I’m being true to me.

Maybe for the first time.

Goodbye my love.

We’re free.

raves, resilience

Thank You.

I am a person who receives great joy in giving; particularly through food. Giving is far easier than receiving. I am overwhelmed. The loss, the found, the fear and the hope… all of it. What is pouring out of you is filling my heart with more than it knows how to hold, and it pours out of me in buckets of tears. While I am in an unreal place, the daunting weight of reality still sits in front of the next door that I have to walk through. All of these words and actions to support me are just…. I can’t even say. I humbly accept it all; from coffee, to cake, to greens of all kinds. This link is a gift of time, something of unmeasurable worth. If all you have is a reason to laugh or a shoulder to cry on, I’ll take it. And I honor it all. And I treasure it all. And I will spend my forever paying it forward. Thank you, all of you. I know that beyond his darkness, Jason loved me deeply and truly. I know that he wanted nothing but the best for me and tragically he wouldn’t take another path to set us free from his demons. I am sick with the thought. Mercy and grace are upon him.

 

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