Category Archives: mood swings

Mother’s Speaking

Keeping safe and sound these days requires proper PPE, common sense, science based planning, a healthy body and mind and unconditional love swelling in our hearts. It’s a lot. What more can we do to live in a time of pandemic? We can find a way to live safely and fully with balance.

It’s all about attitude now; finding calm, acceptance, tolerance, community and love in a time that promotes fear and chaos. If we act and live like we are suffering we will. Those finding joy and a new balance in this never before experienced time suddenly have a new type of abundance they’ve likely never known.

Thank you Mother Earth.

This day is yours and I am listening. You have much to say; you are showing us another way and it is greener, brighter, clearer, more breathable and more beautiful than I could have imagined. There is loss, change always comes with loss, some is too heartbreaking to bare, but it is not an end for those that live on.

It is clear to me we cannot go back to what was. Never backwards, always forwards. Right now we are in a bit of a limbo. This is my life of the last few years; stopped, placed in holding, then moving on to new. I speak from experience.

We now have a unique opportunity to BE different. We are different already; can you allow that shift in yourself to be ok? Can you embrace the possibilities it offers? What was is no more. It’s time to move forward in a new way.

I am finding my life in isolation at home is full of family and meaningful connections albeit virtually. I have the beauty of Spring in the Pacific Northwest out my window and a path to a balance of my needs and the need to shelter in place. It took intention, reflection and a lot of patience. It wasn’t easy, but it’s oh so worth it. I have modifed most every activity I used to take for granted and yet the most difficult part is witnessing others behave like it all means nothing.

It means everything!

It is possible to keep this feeling after we are “open” for business. I would even say its essential. We are now experiencing what we’ve been missing while working endlessly like a cog in the machine. We were told it was the only way to exist. How could we prove them wrong? Now we know they were.

Don’t believe it when they tell you going back is the only way, the political and industrial complex has one purpose… to serve itself. It’s time for us to serve a greater purpose for a life of true abundance.

Yes work has to get done and bills need to be paid. People need services, products, care, activity… we want to be productive! But will you go back like before? Will you make different choices? Are you all in, work first?

Will you prioritize time for the things you are suddenly steeped in like casual life with the family, uninterrupted conversations with loved ones, late mornings and lazy afternoons?

When not GO, GO, GOing now… who are you BEING? Have you found a new rhythm or a new way of thinking that feels good? Have you learned anything new about yourself? HOLD ONTO IT! Don’t let anyone take it away.

When they open the doors to the old ways, you don’t have to go in. Take another path. Wave as you walk past the insistence that you can only be what was and go forward in a new way. You can feed the machine AND feed your soul. It’s all in your attitude.

Keep on your new path holding what you’ve learned in this extraordinary time and know that you can thrive in life with greater wealth than just money. How much do you really need? Do you already have what matters? A full life is rich in many ways… question those that say otherwise.

Thats what I’m doing anyway.

This Earth Day is the most significant in my life; Gaia is speaking LOUDLY and directly to us all. Do you hear her? Mother Earth is dying for balance and we are being grounded for bad behavior. It’s time to be better, change our attitude and our priorities and at long last listen to our mother.

Remembering to Let Go

I remembered it… though at first I wished I hadn’t. I remember when Jason walked In the back door and I was sitting on the couch waiting for him, wearing a cute little sexy farm girl outfit. He looked right at me and said something like, oh look whose all dressed up. Guess I know what she wants. And walked right through the room and carried on his way.

I remember that was the last time I put myself out there to connect with him. I couldn’t handle anymore rejection. That moment hurt me deeply.

I’m just realizing I’ve never resolved that moment. I’m going to do that now. I won’t pack this away and carry it any longer.

I was folding a little sexy something and I realized my internal response was directly related to that moment. It just came up in a well of tears.

I loved him. I wanted to touch him and hold him and help him and guide him to wellness. I wanted him to feel soft skin and warm breath and thought we might hold each other tight. He wouldn’t let me do that anymore. He couldn’t do that anymore.

I realize now that he was a new heroin user at that time. It was about the worst it ever got for us at that time. It was the beginning of the end I think. I went to therapy to find a path through my anger.

I was mad everyday. There was so much pain. That was the summer I couldn’t speak his name. The summer I called him dude. He once asked why and I said it was because he didn’t act like my husband, friend, lover or even someone who liked me. I couldn’t speak his name. I was so so angry. Therapy quickly helped me find what I needed.

I now know he had started his conscious path that led him to his final destination. It was then I started to find a safe place to hunker down and hold steady until I could figure out what to do.

I was abandoned by him, my husband, my friend. I was dependent for the first time as an adult and he betrayed my trust.

His spirit left me long before it left his body. Sifting through his belongings with his daughter, I realize it was even longer than I let myself believe.

I found an old note. Could have been written the year he died. It was about my fears and hurts and hopes. My concerns about his behaviors. It was dated a decade before his death. 7 years before heroin. Things were not right for a long time.

It’s amazing what can be ignored in the face of love and fear of loss. I feared losing him. I feared he would walk away. I feared his abandonment and yet ironically he didn’t have to leave to abandon me.

I am learning from this.

I am continuing to grow and let go.

I am continuing to love and be loved.

I am aware.

I am letting go of the pain that this memory carries, this moment helped ready me for where I am today.

I am stronger than hurtful words… anyone’s.


Hi Dad,

I had a quick question for dad, iPad related, as he is the family expert. A retired dentist and Apple officionado since the beginning; he is a loving example of creating the life you want for yourself.

But this isn’t about dad; a man I loved deeply as a child, though my memories are of independent weekends, trips and lunar eclipses (we’ve seen several together). No, it’s about something I said to him in the text I just wrote.

I’m full of love for this perfectly imperfect man and over the years we’ve resonated closely and have a similar groove. One of my favorite memories is when he pointed up to the sliver of a moon when I was perhaps 11 or so, and leaned in to say “That’s what the moon looked like the day you were born”. I had that moon tattooed on my body; learn more in my upcoming story: Research the artist; a guide to avoiding bad tattoos.

Ok, the text, it is why I’m here after all. Why all this for a text? It wasn’t about dad, but Dads’ don’t get much cred so I guess that’s coming up for me here. I love him so much! As he’s gotten older, and perhaps having little kids again later in life, he learned to say that he loved me more often. I never doubted it, but that was cool. I have special made-up songs for him, smells that make me think of him and traits I love about myself that I get from him.

Thanks dad.

Though this isn’t about mom either, I think I need to acknowledge that I couldn’t have said this, like this, if mom were alive. Losing her recently has created a massive shift in myself. It’s as if she gave me the ability to live again, I was reborn. Her love is the gift of life. She was a wonderful mother and a difficult woman; her force of nature and foresight kind of dominated, well, everything.

She loved dad too, in the ways she knew how, but she never seemed to resolve the loss. She seemed to treat my love like pie, if someone else got a slice it left less for her. So I filtered myself to something neutral; actually it was only recently I understood how much… and what that did to me.

I never did find a space to speak like this with her, but I did learn to hold my own space better. And now, these invisible barriers are gone. Here again, is me, using that voice in ways I’ve never known possible before. I love my mother very much, I’m grateful for her lessons and love; we are inextricably bound and I am better for it. But this isn’t about mom.

I’m sure that everything above contributes to the text I sent. A message I imagine would be a wonderful thing to read about your child, and it was a wonderful thing to find myself writing about myself. Its been a hard, deep, profound couple of years. It’s because of my parents, as much as anything, that I can be who I am now, and who I am now is as close as I’ve ever been to the child I was… and that’s amazing.

I wish you all a holiday of gratitude and the deliciousness of life; and remind you that’s it’s available to you every day of the year if you sit down and invite it to your table… even if only by text.

Hi dad…

… I’m doing great. I’ve had an amazing week+ can’t stop smiling. Lots of good stuff happening all around. I feel like I stepped out of survival mode into something else and all the things I’ve been manifesting were like “hello… we’ve been waiting for you!” It’s a little much even but I’m not complaining. Actually dad I have absolutely nothing to complain about and its quite a feeling 😘 love you!

Oh… and had a detailed checkup with wonderful health news and reasonable solutions to things that can be better. ❤️

What’s In A Day?

Today is an 11/11 portal of manifestation that can open a door for the next decade. This day is made even more significant by the unique path of Mars as it goes across the Sun and also the full Moon rising tomorrow in my house, the house of Taurus.

I could feel this day coming and know it leads to a powerful new 2020 that will shift the progress of 2019 into a foundation for all that’s to come. It makes this process of declaring my intentions even more important. There is gravity in these words and I can feel their weight when I speak them.

I highly encourage you to set your intentions today. Pause and imagine what you want for yourself. I don’t have a lot of details in my plan, but I know the feelings I want to carry with me for everything I do, so that’s what I am setting. No pressure.

Manifestation begins with knowing what you want to be true, believing that it is real and feeling it like it’s happening. It’s palpable.

On this day I put to words the thoughts in my head that set my place in my future;

I intend to take care of that which needs me to take care of it, including myself; gratefully, openly, generously and thoroughly.

I intend to embrace the silence, the pause between that allows us to grow, and be a witness to what that moment brings forward.

I will choose to take on other people’s stuff or not; I can pick up their batons or not, it’s ok, and I will communicate my choices with kindness.

I intend to be healthy, strong, aligned and harmonious; thriving with clarity, creation and ingenuity because I am connected to self and the universal energies that surround everything.

I intend to write what needs to be written.

I intend to make choices that align with these intentions and ask for what I need when I need help.

I will honor and learn from the past but I will live in the present with intention for the future I want.

I will give and receive love that swells my heart and feeds my soul… for this decade and beyond.

Thank you to everyone who helped me find my way here. ❤️

What are your intentions?

Lost and Found

That was then.
This is now.
Ready the field
Time to plow.
What is gone
Blooms what’s to be.
Everything possible
Is in front of me.
Harvest new
In place of old.
Turn the soil
Find the gold.
Open spaces
Left unclaimed,
A life untamed.
Earth to Sun
Stars to sea
Infinite joy
Is waiting for me.
I’ll tend to the earth, Expand and explore,
Live bright and true,
Manifest and adore.

Written 4/17/18 and forgotten about. A perfect find today.

The Beloved Tree

At the age of three I sat in awe under eucalyptus trees, mesmerized by mottled light and the shimmer of dancing leaves.

Their oil sweet and tart would cling to misty air and soothe your mind and body just because you’re there.

The coastal wind was salty as it blew most every night. The mighty trees swayed and rocked but never lost the fight.

Bending trees creaked and moaned while standing tall and true, writing songs that lulled me to sleep then wake refreshed and new.

They sang of wisdom, they sang of hope, their song is an ancient story. In moments of quiet thought I could feel their glory.

The forest was a playground and imagination flurried. It also brought peaceful healing away from a life that’s hurried.

Forty-three years now gone, since those early days and while I’ve trodden many paths, I have never lost my way.

All that trees have taught me is far beyond measure; Its time to share a life lesson that I have come to treasure.

Take a moment everyday to listen to the trees. Lay your hands upon their trunks and feel their energy.

Thank them for their gifts, like humility and calm, for giving shelter, love and life to all who come along.

Acknowledge where they came from, their roots are deep below, but they can reach to any height when their environment lets them grow.

It’s something we can strive for, it’s the way I’d like to be, humble, strong and wise, like the beloved tree.

Closed Minds & Open Hearts

FB popped this “memory” up today. This division holds true in society, but I’ve felt an invasive touch of persecution too, in my own little world. It’s strange to apply it in this way, but it sadly fits. Here I go… 😌

My experiences are my truth and I am bound to them, gratefully. Keeping grace while defending the reality of my existence is not easy. That may be bit dramatic, but it can feel that way when being told your truth is anything but.

Sometimes I have to clench onto the “unreal” things I’ve experienced spiritually and emotionally since Jason died because others “reality” can’t understand it. They try to take it away and reduced it to nonsense because it doesn’t fit into their belief system, but that’s not really the challenge.

I can’t change another, but I don’t want to repeat their behavior by shutting them out. It was the same challenge with my husband. I think that’s the big test for someone claiming to keep an open mind.

We are all entitled to our thoughts; it’s about respecting another’s voice while knowing I can’t and won’t change my truth to fit their needs. I can stay true to me AND embrace those that don’t understand it. That’s it, the skill to master, the one that can make all the difference. I’m still working on it and thankful for the role models in my life that demonstrate it.

Immersion of beliefs can free caged minds, if we let them in. It’s where I am, open to what crosses my path, keeping a piece of what feels right to me and letting that which doesn’t roll by.

There is room in us all for the mysterious and the defined. The understood and the unknown. Our held beliefs as truth and the possibility there’s more than we know.

I am building my new house and without question the foundation will be stronger than ever. The wolves can huff and puff but this house won’t blow over again.

Have a blessed day; may you find something good in all the realities around you.


A Dog-P bouquet for Jason, because I’m feeling pissy about the love of my life and mother fucker that left us 9 months ago today.

I liken much of the last few months to a lousy day at the beach; crunchy with debris you can’t wipe off, unprepared for changing weather and getting tossed around by waves. Some are big, some small; they knock you down and roll you around but you get up, wipe off and keep strolling along the edge of the tide until the next one knocks you off your feet for a second. That’s not to say there isn’t sunshine and good stuff, because there is, it’s just not always bright enough to cut through the haze.

A few weeks ago, the unexpected sight of his headstone was a riptide. It pulled me back so quick, so powerlessly, I never caught a breath before I was under water. Rolling, tossing, lost in time and space not knowing what is up or down, breathless and weak from battling forces beyond my control. It ripped me back 9 months and it fucking sucks. I didn’t see it coming.

I’m finding a repeat of the first nine months happening, only quicker. Moving through it all again, in days instead of months, nearly 3 weeks have past and I’m not back to the place I was comfortable enough to function well in just a few weeks ago. I am again overly emotional with returning anxiety attacks. And it fucking sucks.

We’re coming up on a new season too, apparently that means new triggers. Like corn. Yes the vegetable, Jason and his damn corn. It was one of his few specialties that he always made his way. Now it’s on display in the store and I see it and suddenly hyperventilate and start crying and feeling sick. It’s fucking CORN! Emotionally charged produce… really? REALLY? Needless to say, I haven’t been shopping much. It really fucking sucks.

This time around, I have more anger. I haven’t really been angry, I suspected because I had been angry for years; abandoned, betrayed and pissed off about it, I went to counseling then to handle it. Now, it’s creeping back; it’s that fucking headstone, it’s his, done and done. And guess what, it fucking sucks.

I am fermenting. Not just over him, but at the systems, the continued loss of more and more people, the memes that tell the suicidal they just need to talk or that tell me I should have listened, acted or done differently because suicide is the problem of the living who don’t help the suffering. You know what, fuck that shit. FUCK THAT SHIT. Just fuck it, because it fucking sucks.

I did everything I could and knew to do and he did everything he could to run from it. But I don’t need to explain that to anyone, I know it in my heart and so did he.

So here’s a Dogwood and Peony bouquet. It smells pretty, despite its name. The dogwood flowers kinda glow like moonlight on the water. Maybe it’ll brighten my day… or it won’t. It’s a process I’m in, high, low and ever shifting like the tides; full of floating garbage I am trying to clean out and life I am trying to preserve. “Life’s a beach” they say, it was just a cute T-shirt until now.

Smoosh Smoosh fucker. You did what you wanted and that fucking sucks. 😢😠☹️


Fire engulfs the barbs

Igniting the blackness;

Fury and destruction flicker away

Revealing no end,

only rebirth.

From earth to ashes,

Cinder to stardust,

I am burning for you.

Worrier no more.

Warrior for sure.

My Architecture

I’m rebuilding my house.

One brick at a Time.

A detailed inspection

Of Every fine line.

Some pieces are cracked,

And shan’t go back in

There’s plenty of good ones,

enough to begin.

Nestled in place

Hand chosen for strength

This house is my home

My inner space.

No walls to be built

No ceiling to ponder

My home is a vista

For me to wander.