All posts by Terra

Roots to Limbs

I want to scream from the mountain tops about these two black men that were found hanging in the trees in Southern California over the last 10 days. They were both considered suicide by the local police forces, a theory rejected by their families. Public self hanging? Not typical suicides, but hangings are a big part of history and deeply rooted racial tensions being activated right now. The idea that the local police force didn’t go there seems like a sign of racially driven policing. Easier to blame the dead guy. They’re only just associating the two hangings as the families painfully push them forward to investigate. Are we really still doing this? Enough already! We are a nation in pain.

But I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to talk about any of this. It’s a quiet Sunday morning. Its calm and beautiful out my window and I get to have an easy day, whatever I choose to do. I don’t want to give this my attention or make it yours. I don’t want to have it on my page and I don’t want to have to talk about hanging men. AGAIN. Yet here I am doing just that. THIS IS HAPPENING. Real life in America. I dont want to talk about it, I have to.

Our president and his followers have gassed the fires of racism and his “good people” continue to repeat old plays in their racist handbook across the country. The lynching of “liberal” politicans in effigy in the south has already been going on. And now this, lynchings of black men in CA. Proof? No, of course not, not yet. That requires police that want answers. In lieu of that it requires more time to force them to investigate. No my vitriol is based on current news, public opinions, common sense and instinct. I take pause and reflect on their reticent excuses and I call bullshit.

There’s no part of me that believes these hangings were suicides; sadly I am equipped with a personal perspective on the subject. Am I supposed to believe that while their families waited at home for these black men, they climbed, rope in hand, up trees on city streets in their hometown, attached the rope to a branch and their neck and just dropped? All this as a modern day race war happens a few miles away and across the country? They want their families and us to believe these men climbed and jumped as white power activists, fully armed, calling for “ethnic cleansing” line nearby streets and backwoods? Sorry, no. NO. I dont believe it at all.

This is what BLM means to me; calling out these swept under the rug, written off as, close the book practices of WRONG against a huge swath of our American Citizens. I am an American who believes the United States means equality for ALL; justice and accountability included.

I’m not whitewashing this for you. Suicide is nasty. Racism is nasty. Sexism is nasty. Lots of nastiness out there spreading like a virus in the sputum of angry people. I am angry too, but I’m wrapping it in love for people and myself, the anger hurts me too much. We must talk about it though. This is what talking about uncomfortable things is. Racism is deep old wounds that pass down generations. I know it, as a women of Jewish heritage, I was taught the dangers of being outed in the 70s.

It must be called out for what it is… HATE. From insufficient and aggressive policing to sly federal policy, to lynchings; there’s an undercurrent of legal crimes against blacks and other non-whites, including women of all races, that is imbedded in our creation despite the declaration saying differently. We see and know only some of it and that alone is too much; though many don’t even see and know what we do and others don’t care or they want it that way. This is domestic terrorism in America. Not Antifa.

I want to ignore it. Turn the page. Carry on. But thats how we got here. 400 years of pretending. I can’t let them hang there like it doesn’t matter. They deserve better. So do their families. So do we.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR. TRUMP, THESE ARE THE ORNAMENTS OF YOUR PRESIDENCY, you racist fuck.

My Sunday gift to myself… speaking my mind. Now, facebook off, news off. I get to choose that too. Take care of yourself, your family and your community. ❤️ Arm yourself with love and common sense and the strength to say enough. The world needs it.

Disclaimer: These cases aren’t closed yet, though police preemptively made their suicidal claims. If not for family, activism and reporting, they would be.

PLEASE LEARN:
The 1930s is when many of the confederate statues were mounted, they weren’t heroic nods to present day soldiers in civil wartime, they were racist bullhorns to glorify brutality of blacks. In the 30’s a white Jewish man was so appauled he was moved to write one of the most chilling songs ever written, a song of truth and history, a voice for the silenced. I first heard this song when I was a kid, I only just learned its history today.
https://www.npr.org/2012/09/05/158933012/the-strange-story-of-the-man-behind-strange-fruit

PLEASE LISTEN:
Strange Fruit sung by Jill Scott w/ intro by Morgan Freeman
https://youtu.be/OkXAxpzE6Gk

Mother’s Speaking

Keeping safe and sound these days requires proper PPE, common sense, science based planning, a healthy body and mind and unconditional love swelling in our hearts. It’s a lot. What more can we do to live in a time of pandemic? We can find a way to live safely and fully with balance.

It’s all about attitude now; finding calm, acceptance, tolerance, community and love in a time that promotes fear and chaos. If we act and live like we are suffering we will. Those finding joy and a new balance in this never before experienced time suddenly have a new type of abundance they’ve likely never known.

Thank you Mother Earth.

This day is yours and I am listening. You have much to say; you are showing us another way and it is greener, brighter, clearer, more breathable and more beautiful than I could have imagined. There is loss, change always comes with loss, some is too heartbreaking to bare, but it is not an end for those that live on.

It is clear to me we cannot go back to what was. Never backwards, always forwards. Right now we are in a bit of a limbo. This is my life of the last few years; stopped, placed in holding, then moving on to new. I speak from experience.

We now have a unique opportunity to BE different. We are different already; can you allow that shift in yourself to be ok? Can you embrace the possibilities it offers? What was is no more. It’s time to move forward in a new way.

I am finding my life in isolation at home is full of family and meaningful connections albeit virtually. I have the beauty of Spring in the Pacific Northwest out my window and a path to a balance of my needs and the need to shelter in place. It took intention, reflection and a lot of patience. It wasn’t easy, but it’s oh so worth it. I have modifed most every activity I used to take for granted and yet the most difficult part is witnessing others behave like it all means nothing.

It means everything!

It is possible to keep this feeling after we are “open” for business. I would even say its essential. We are now experiencing what we’ve been missing while working endlessly like a cog in the machine. We were told it was the only way to exist. How could we prove them wrong? Now we know they were.

Don’t believe it when they tell you going back is the only way, the political and industrial complex has one purpose… to serve itself. It’s time for us to serve a greater purpose for a life of true abundance.

Yes work has to get done and bills need to be paid. People need services, products, care, activity… we want to be productive! But will you go back like before? Will you make different choices? Are you all in, work first?

Will you prioritize time for the things you are suddenly steeped in like casual life with the family, uninterrupted conversations with loved ones, late mornings and lazy afternoons?

When not GO, GO, GOing now… who are you BEING? Have you found a new rhythm or a new way of thinking that feels good? Have you learned anything new about yourself? HOLD ONTO IT! Don’t let anyone take it away.

When they open the doors to the old ways, you don’t have to go in. Take another path. Wave as you walk past the insistence that you can only be what was and go forward in a new way. You can feed the machine AND feed your soul. It’s all in your attitude.

Keep on your new path holding what you’ve learned in this extraordinary time and know that you can thrive in life with greater wealth than just money. How much do you really need? Do you already have what matters? A full life is rich in many ways… question those that say otherwise.

Thats what I’m doing anyway.

This Earth Day is the most significant in my life; Gaia is speaking LOUDLY and directly to us all. Do you hear her? Mother Earth is dying for balance and we are being grounded for bad behavior. It’s time to be better, change our attitude and our priorities and at long last listen to our mother.

Remembering to Let Go

I remembered it… though at first I wished I hadn’t. I remember when Jason walked In the back door and I was sitting on the couch waiting for him, wearing a cute little sexy farm girl outfit. He looked right at me and said something like, oh look whose all dressed up. Guess I know what she wants. And walked right through the room and carried on his way.

I remember that was the last time I put myself out there to connect with him. I couldn’t handle anymore rejection. That moment hurt me deeply.

I’m just realizing I’ve never resolved that moment. I’m going to do that now. I won’t pack this away and carry it any longer.

I was folding a little sexy something and I realized my internal response was directly related to that moment. It just came up in a well of tears.

I loved him. I wanted to touch him and hold him and help him and guide him to wellness. I wanted him to feel soft skin and warm breath and thought we might hold each other tight. He wouldn’t let me do that anymore. He couldn’t do that anymore.

I realize now that he was a new heroin user at that time. It was about the worst it ever got for us at that time. It was the beginning of the end I think. I went to therapy to find a path through my anger.

I was mad everyday. There was so much pain. That was the summer I couldn’t speak his name. The summer I called him dude. He once asked why and I said it was because he didn’t act like my husband, friend, lover or even someone who liked me. I couldn’t speak his name. I was so so angry. Therapy quickly helped me find what I needed.

I now know he had started his conscious path that led him to his final destination. It was then I started to find a safe place to hunker down and hold steady until I could figure out what to do.

I was abandoned by him, my husband, my friend. I was dependent for the first time as an adult and he betrayed my trust.

His spirit left me long before it left his body. Sifting through his belongings with his daughter, I realize it was even longer than I let myself believe.

I found an old note. Could have been written the year he died. It was about my fears and hurts and hopes. My concerns about his behaviors. It was dated a decade before his death. 7 years before heroin. Things were not right for a long time.

It’s amazing what can be ignored in the face of love and fear of loss. I feared losing him. I feared he would walk away. I feared his abandonment and yet ironically he didn’t have to leave to abandon me.

I am learning from this.

I am continuing to grow and let go.

I am continuing to love and be loved.

I am aware.

I am letting go of the pain that this memory carries, this moment helped ready me for where I am today.

I am stronger than hurtful words… anyone’s.

10/26/18

Hi Dad,

I had a quick question for dad, iPad related, as he is the family expert. A retired dentist and Apple officionado since the beginning; he is a loving example of creating the life you want for yourself.

But this isn’t about dad; a man I loved deeply as a child, though my memories are of independent weekends, trips and lunar eclipses (we’ve seen several together). No, it’s about something I said to him in the text I just wrote.

I’m full of love for this perfectly imperfect man and over the years we’ve resonated closely and have a similar groove. One of my favorite memories is when he pointed up to the sliver of a moon when I was perhaps 11 or so, and leaned in to say “That’s what the moon looked like the day you were born”. I had that moon tattooed on my body; learn more in my upcoming story: Research the artist; a guide to avoiding bad tattoos.

Ok, the text, it is why I’m here after all. Why all this for a text? It wasn’t about dad, but Dads’ don’t get much cred so I guess that’s coming up for me here. I love him so much! As he’s gotten older, and perhaps having little kids again later in life, he learned to say that he loved me more often. I never doubted it, but that was cool. I have special made-up songs for him, smells that make me think of him and traits I love about myself that I get from him.

Thanks dad.

Though this isn’t about mom either, I think I need to acknowledge that I couldn’t have said this, like this, if mom were alive. Losing her recently has created a massive shift in myself. It’s as if she gave me the ability to live again, I was reborn. Her love is the gift of life. She was a wonderful mother and a difficult woman; her force of nature and foresight kind of dominated, well, everything.

She loved dad too, in the ways she knew how, but she never seemed to resolve the loss. She seemed to treat my love like pie, if someone else got a slice it left less for her. So I filtered myself to something neutral; actually it was only recently I understood how much… and what that did to me.

I never did find a space to speak like this with her, but I did learn to hold my own space better. And now, these invisible barriers are gone. Here again, is me, using that voice in ways I’ve never known possible before. I love my mother very much, I’m grateful for her lessons and love; we are inextricably bound and I am better for it. But this isn’t about mom.

I’m sure that everything above contributes to the text I sent. A message I imagine would be a wonderful thing to read about your child, and it was a wonderful thing to find myself writing about myself. Its been a hard, deep, profound couple of years. It’s because of my parents, as much as anything, that I can be who I am now, and who I am now is as close as I’ve ever been to the child I was… and that’s amazing.

I wish you all a holiday of gratitude and the deliciousness of life; and remind you that’s it’s available to you every day of the year if you sit down and invite it to your table… even if only by text.

Hi dad…

… I’m doing great. I’ve had an amazing week+ can’t stop smiling. Lots of good stuff happening all around. I feel like I stepped out of survival mode into something else and all the things I’ve been manifesting were like “hello… we’ve been waiting for you!” It’s a little much even but I’m not complaining. Actually dad I have absolutely nothing to complain about and its quite a feeling 😘 love you!

Oh… and had a detailed checkup with wonderful health news and reasonable solutions to things that can be better. ❤️

What’s In A Day?

Today is an 11/11 portal of manifestation that can open a door for the next decade. This day is made even more significant by the unique path of Mars as it goes across the Sun and also the full Moon rising tomorrow in my house, the house of Taurus.

I could feel this day coming and know it leads to a powerful new 2020 that will shift the progress of 2019 into a foundation for all that’s to come. It makes this process of declaring my intentions even more important. There is gravity in these words and I can feel their weight when I speak them.

I highly encourage you to set your intentions today. Pause and imagine what you want for yourself. I don’t have a lot of details in my plan, but I know the feelings I want to carry with me for everything I do, so that’s what I am setting. No pressure.

Manifestation begins with knowing what you want to be true, believing that it is real and feeling it like it’s happening. It’s palpable.

On this day I put to words the thoughts in my head that set my place in my future;

I intend to take care of that which needs me to take care of it, including myself; gratefully, openly, generously and thoroughly.

I intend to embrace the silence, the pause between that allows us to grow, and be a witness to what that moment brings forward.

I will choose to take on other people’s stuff or not; I can pick up their batons or not, it’s ok, and I will communicate my choices with kindness.

I intend to be healthy, strong, aligned and harmonious; thriving with clarity, creation and ingenuity because I am connected to self and the universal energies that surround everything.

I intend to write what needs to be written.

I intend to make choices that align with these intentions and ask for what I need when I need help.

I will honor and learn from the past but I will live in the present with intention for the future I want.

I will give and receive love that swells my heart and feeds my soul… for this decade and beyond.

Thank you to everyone who helped me find my way here. ❤️

What are your intentions?
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History Was Written With Invisible Ink.

I believe there is a rise of a new matriarchy and it will provide humanity a better future. It’s time.

Last night on Netflix I watched “Feminism, what were they thinking”. It was a documentary through the eyes of an amazing portrait photographer of the era. This morning I happened upon “Mary Pickford: The Muse of the movies” on TCM. I highly suggest both.

Mary goes back to the early 1900s, she was a name I knew but had no idea the MAJOR impact she had on things we take for granted today, both in and out of the movie industry.

She was a singular woman in a field of men. She was an equal partner because she made it happen, held her own with dignity and strength and led the way through a fledgling industry. She knew her value, though she admittedly wasn’t all that sure of herself. The sexist part is the omissions of her influence, not her breakthrough of barriers. The barriers didn’t really exist yet in the field she helped build.

Flash forward to the Feminists of the 70’s, now fighting for what Mary achieved with ferocity and great numbers. The early success of some women only seemed to have tightened a grip on the social role put upon us over several generations. Patriarchs survive by domination and the next generation of woman wasn’t gonna take it anymore.

The Feminist movie represent an era I was alive for, though too young to know. To see what is now vs. then I can’t believe the simplest things we take for granted were a fight to get. I’m thankful for their actions and appalled we’re still fighting for such basic conceptual thinking like equality.

I was about to say the few woman who broke the mold early weren’t highlighted, they were minimized, but I realize in that statement we don’t know. We don’t know how many woman were leaders or partners with the men whose name holds claim. That’s my point. One “new” story after another reveals women’s roles in history that we weren’t really told until now.

Thanks to storytellers who are empowered to enlighten, children will know a female inclusion in history my generation didn’t. It’s not just important to girls, it’s important to everyone as it shapes perceptions that affect us all. Our value is in our individual expression and contribution, not our gender.

Fast forward to yesterday, a day that the most women (and diverse candidates) in history were elected into political offices with record turnout of next generation voters who simply don’t want to take it anymore.

Newly elected woman may come to the table with different views and values but their milestone won’t be so easily washed from the records. Now that they’re in it’s time to go to task. These men and women have a big house to clean.

The best reason to look back is to learn how to do better going forward.

Lost and Found

That was then.
This is now.
Ready the field
Time to plow.
What is gone
Blooms what’s to be.
Everything possible
Is in front of me.
Harvest new
In place of old.
Turn the soil
Find the gold.
Open spaces
Left unclaimed,
Flourished
A life untamed.
Earth to Sun
Stars to sea
Infinite joy
Is waiting for me.
I’ll tend to the earth, Expand and explore,
Live bright and true,
Manifest and adore.

Written 4/17/18 and forgotten about. A perfect find today.

It’s National Equality Day.

Yeah for us.

In my grandparents lifetime women were given the right to vote. Some women, white woman. My grandmother Letitia would have been about 19, probably in Kansas. She was a rebel in her time, I can only imagine what she was like back then. I am grateful to know her when I was a kid and hear stories.

It was a long fight to earn this right. For more than half our countries existence, a country built on freedom and equality, there was no voice for more than half of its population. And that’s just the vote, it was not much more, women were still basically property. Today our votes are being stripped away by policy, silencing masses through “legal” means.

100 years since she could vote and we still don’t have equality. Today there is still basically policy for white men and not white men, which is worsening thanks to the rhetoric from our current “leaders”. What’s worse yet is this specialized class in our society is crying foul because they are feeling marginalized now. It’s all so out of whack.

No offense to white men, I know and love many, but it still weighs out like that in the system and it’s not ok. How long does this good ol’ boy policy get to run the show before we say enough? We CAN say enough. We do not have to tolerate it.

The time for a matriarchal society is overdue, the patriarch has served and destroyed long enough. This is not a “vote for woman because she’s woman” call to action. Just because she is woman, doesn’t mean she is automatically right. Woman are capable of everything a man is and more; including vile and corrupt behavior.

Men and women and everything in between are needed to support a shift in thinking; from a place of power and destruction to a place of community and growth. It’s a common place to rule from, it’s tribal, ancient, old school.

Women used to be the wisdom of a society, the caregiver, the elder.

The patriarchal societies diminishment of women’s value through objective means like image and birthing are interwoven into our thinking, but it’s not nature’s way. It’s Long past time for the power of woman to bring rebirth to dying notions of what life can be. This starts in our own daily life but requires policy and practice to extend to the greater population. Inclusion, nurturing, open hearts and informed minds; imagine the creation of a world ruled from that place.

Now, let’s go make it happen.

Orange is the New Blacklist.

A year ago the Charlottesville protest violence woke my poetic voice and disdain for the direction our leaders are taking our country.

It’s why I started this blog.

Today there are reunion protests scheduled in DC. The battle is stronger than ever for the colors of our nation. Their spark started this raging inferno, fueled by hateful rhetoric that seeps into normal life almost daily. It’s abnormally normalized. Another season has begun and the leader of our nation is fanning these flames of hate across the country… again.

Football is back.

The tweets are twittering.

Since kneeling is “banned” in NFL, at the behest of a hateful man, it appears fists up are the new way to send the message that they won’t stand for it anymore.

Personally I love it. Personally I think that any conscientious person in any venue can show support for equal rights and disdain for the destruction of our democracy during an anthem with fists up, we can’t kneel in the stands anyway. It’s a respectful way to protest, a powerful image and it’s our right. For now.

I will show my love for country NOT with a forced hand on my chest but a free willed fist held high. I would LOVE to see a stadium full of fists in the air.

The beer garden is full of fists of beer, but there are no tweets about those that can’t even set their drink down in respect of our national anthem. The man remains silent as most of the stadium stands lazily, looking the part of a patriot without conviction. Of course, event videos show the man who cares so much about this song, doesn’t even know the words himself.

It’s not about the song. It’s not about patriotism or American values, it’s about keeping the voice of a disenfranchised group quiet… you’re here to entertain, that’s all, shut up.

This “sacred” song has been our anthem for less than half our countries history; albeit longer than equality rights for women, blacks and children.

Let’s make sure this is a shameful time in our countries history; and not the beginning of a new “white America” era. These old boys have had their run and made a mess of it. It’s time for real change; positive change for diverse citizens, both born and immigrated, to live the dream we once believed could be real. That once WAS real.

Team Spirit

No longer about the ball and who can score the most, it’s now a venue for protesting against the leader of the posts.

When the anthem plays, hold your fist high and proud, let them know you won’t cower under their white shroud.

We believe in equality, we believe in diversity, we believe the “right” is wrong. Standing tall or kneeling low, it is not about the song.

Human kindness is at risk by a few empowered groups, pitting civilians against eachother and our valued troops.

We’re rejecting unchecked power and defective policy, if justice is truth, then the truth is discriminating inequality.

Tweeters tweet, haters hate, they attack us from “all sides”. Democracy demands we participate, decency is our guide.

If not like them, you’re to blame; that’s the way it is again. Now’s the time to end this game and stop the malignant din.

Today they admonish those of color, tomorrow who knows who it’ll be. With or against is how they role, they may come for you and me.

So raise your fist in peaceful protest, be sure to do it often. It’s better to stand for others than lie in a racists coffin.

The Beloved Tree

At the age of three I sat in awe under eucalyptus trees, mesmerized by mottled light and the shimmer of dancing leaves.

Their oil sweet and tart would cling to misty air and soothe your mind and body just because you’re there.

The coastal wind was salty as it blew most every night. The mighty trees swayed and rocked but never lost the fight.

Bending trees creaked and moaned while standing tall and true, writing songs that lulled me to sleep then wake refreshed and new.

They sang of wisdom, they sang of hope, their song is an ancient story. In moments of quiet thought I could feel their glory.

The forest was a playground and imagination flurried. It also brought peaceful healing away from a life that’s hurried.

Forty-three years now gone, since those early days and while I’ve trodden many paths, I have never lost my way.

All that trees have taught me is far beyond measure; Its time to share a life lesson that I have come to treasure.

Take a moment everyday to listen to the trees. Lay your hands upon their trunks and feel their energy.

Thank them for their gifts, like humility and calm, for giving shelter, love and life to all who come along.

Acknowledge where they came from, their roots are deep below, but they can reach to any height when their environment lets them grow.

It’s something we can strive for, it’s the way I’d like to be, humble, strong and wise, like the beloved tree.