It was mere hours ago I slid down the edge of a slope; sobbing, face in hands, stomach in throat. I could barely breathe at the realization I had “forgotten” the significance of yesterday until THE moment it became significant. Was it him reminding me? Perhaps it was my body, so changed by the tragic moment it viscerally etched that time into my being. It was the moment that path ended, literally a dead end.
I am crossing many bridges to find a new path. It seems mine are made of cobblestone, no matter how well I walk it’s impossible to move forward without wobbling. They have all been surrounded by an ever changing landscape. Moment to moment it shows me something different; sometimes terrifying and sickening, mostly enlightening and beautiful. Today I saw it all, I felt it all. I want to share what I was left with after crawling out of the ravine and crossing this bridge of shame and grief.
I am so blessed.
Blessed by the family, friends and well wishers that send me love.
Blessed by my ability to connect with so many emotions.
Blessed by the signs I receive from all around.
Blessed to have loved and been loved by a man so true that I could ever feel this way.
I finished the art piece I’ve been thinking about for quite sometime. It’s finger painted upon the place I laid him and spent nine minutes trying to revive him.
Nine is the number of endings.
Friends gathered and we played some darts, the board still had Jks writing from our last game. Then I started breathing. And stretching. And I was overtaken by a lightness, a pulling up and a flexibility in my body I’ve never felt. Literally an inch longer. I could lay my fingers on the ground. I was suddenly a new being; something heavy was lifted from me. It was unreal. Then I won the dart game.
We spent a lot of time in the space. Jason was “there”. His daughter was “there” (she lives out of state). It felt brighter. More relaxed. Like a place we were welcome. It held all of his creativity and love and that’s all. A place we can move forward in.
Like the day he died, the person I was when I awoke is not the one that will be laying back down. Life is crazy. So is death.
My hat was from our great trip to Alaska and the sweatshirt our Birch Bay expeditions.
The shell is from our wedding. My brother carried our rings in it. It holds some sage, San Paolo wood and Himalayan salt crystals.
The wings are my hands, where I placed them on his chest.
The feathers are the hawk I was so blessed to see take his spirit on earth.
The heart is all the love we lived together.
The JK is the brand I gave him, his mark on all he created.
The splatter, well that’s just splatter. But then, we looked closer.
My friend saw it first.
We feel a message left for us, permission to “Chill”.
We see an angel. Specifically I see a coiffed Poodle with wings and a halo. Why not. And it’s heading to a black hole.
Jason would say, and said hours before he left, “I’m from the stars and I’ll go back to the stars.”
I think we have been shown his passage.
Safe journey my love.
I’m on a new journey too.