Category Archives: respite

raves, resilience, respite

The Posts Between

A new TerraBull post

I shared my website today, the landing page, to introduce that part of me but  really I wanted him to find the blog. There’s a link on the site to here, to past, to a deeper me. It is something available for all to see, if they find it. 

I’m realizing of all the stuff to learn about me, it was those thoughts I wanted to share most of all. I discovered that as re-reading them myself. From the first post to the last in chronological order I found a new perspective of that time in life, in my own words. 

I found my words to have so much clarity, honesty and awareness it made me proud of myself that I could do that. Then or now. I can only assume others read it with that clarity of understanding as well, but as you might expect it speaks to me deeply. 

Like the moment between an ending and a beginning, the posts offer me a real time display of a life in transformation; my life. From empty, to sorrowful, angry to resigned. It’s all there and in between the words and the posts there is another story speaking to me. 

I was broken between a recipe for the tasty soup of the day and the announcement life will never be the same.  Each post thereafter is a moment of clarity through grief and renewal. 

I am also validated by the intentions and steps that got me to now, those nearly decade old awarenesses are fully integrated and foundational in my everyday.  Reading about their inception is also reinforcing them again. It is real. It did happen. I did that and It mattered VERY much. 

The last post was a political one. Quite fired up and angsty, and rightfully so. The world is still full of those same stories, players, angst and dishonor; only it seems far more intense now. I engage minimally.  That energy is in no way representative of a last, it offers no closure, no remedy, no healing. 

I don’t want my page to end in ferocity, nor my days, nor my life. It has its moments, it is not meant to linger. My journey was representative in beautiful ways as posts until they stopped, stuck in anger.  I immediately sensed a need for a new post. This post. 

Most intriguingly, and likely the reason I find myself in this awareness, is the meeting of someone new. On the most blessed Friday the 13th in history perhaps, we were presented a cosmic, karmic, sudden meeting. Him. Yes, It seems it is HIM. There is a sense of capitalization, there is nothing small about it. 

It is both calming and intense. It is both totally new and completely foreign. It is both fully trusted  and holy fucking shit Terra-fying. Actually there is no fear in the US, in the him or the me. The Terra-fying is the allowance. How do I know? Is this another test? Is the answer YES this time?  I just need to listen; GURL you know. He knows. The cards know. The songs know. The dogs know. It is known. So let it be. 

The allowance alone is overwhelming, the rest perhaps is just the good stuff. I recently heard it’s not trusting the leap, it’s trusting the landing; that feels very much like this moment. Allowing that which I / WE manifested – aligned to – called into existence – to actually BE is mind blowing. To have it email you and say hello I want to show up in the world for you in all the ways you called out for me to show up. To hear my name is love and I am open to give and receive in all ways you allow as you allow because that is who I am. To be told I am here to help hold your vessel too so you can let it overflow without fear. To feel I know you already love me and I will give you the space and time you need for you to allow it all too. 

It’s beautiful. Its powerful. It can knock the wind out of you like the wind that knocks down a tree. It’s the water that carves the mountain. It’s the spark that makes a new heart beat for the first time. Where does it come from? It is deep and old and everywhere laying in wait.  As was said, when the two shall meet, they unlock magical things. They become more than the sum of their parts. 

They became THEY and yet remained an I. An I in the storm – remaining calm for the other. An I in the sky – to see the big picture when lost. An I in the cream – to taste the blissful and sweet things in life. The 3rd I  – seeing and conscious of the possibilities within our I’s and US.

I have been preparing for a decade, a lifetime, and yet I am not prepared. I do not consciously know how, but I have arrived. I am open. I am destined for the good stuff and it seems I have yet to truly understand how good that could be.

Reading the posts and remembering what lived between them I can see when I stepped on this path of possibilities and how I chose it over and over again. WHY I chose it over and over again. I can see how it helped me release and reconcile and renew. Through all the stuff and things that crossed my path for nearly a decade of healing and discovering what it means to thrive, I can see the way to here. To ME. To HIM. To the creation of a new US.

I feel like an ancient explorer who just found a new room in the pyramids and its full of gold and silver.  It honors the gods and goddess of love. I am overwhelmed to have finally arrived after such a long dig to this beautiful place I never allowed myself to imagine. I am emotionally charged by the  beauty and connectedness I feel within this discovery. I have no idea what I will find in here, but it’s glowing! It is fun, it feels safe and it looks to offer a lifetime of treasures from the threshold of a room I have barely stepped into. 

There is no longer any angst, this post shall hold space and time in the creation of love. Let it be, so it is. 

respite

The Beloved Tree

Video

At the age of three I sat in awe under eucalyptus trees, mesmerized by mottled light and the shimmer of dancing leaves.

Their oil sweet and tart would cling to misty air and soothe your mind and body just because you’re there.

The coastal wind was salty as it blew most every night. The mighty trees swayed and rocked but never lost the fight.

Bending trees creaked and moaned while standing tall and true, writing songs that lulled me to sleep then wake refreshed and new.

They sang of wisdom, they sang of hope, their song is an ancient story. In moments of quiet thought I could feel their glory.

The forest was a playground and imagination flurried. It also brought peaceful healing away from a life that’s hurried.

Forty-three years now gone, since those early days and while I’ve trodden many paths, I have never lost my way.

All that trees have taught me is far beyond measure; Its time to share a life lesson that I have come to treasure.

Take a moment everyday to listen to the trees. Lay your hands upon their trunks and feel their energy.

Thank them for their gifts, like humility and calm, for giving shelter, love and life to all who come along.

Acknowledge where they came from, their roots are deep below, but they can reach to any height when their environment lets them grow.

It’s something we can strive for, it’s the way I’d like to be, humble, strong and wise, like the beloved tree.

resilience, respite

Feeling thankful today

I have been blessed by the love and life I was able to share with Jason. All the people he brought into my world, all the dreams we shared, the laughter and kisses, squirrel fives and smoosh smooshes.

I’ve felt the highest highs and lowest lows of my life with him, for him, because of him.

If you knew him, you miss him. He was once full of life and joy; he was generous to a fault. His laughter filled the room while his smile brightened it. The man I buried was a different man, he was suffering and in pain, we all were.

So much of the last few months has been processing that, who and what he became, how he chose to go. The good memories are starting to flicker more often in the movies of my mind.

I witnessed two of my friends wed the other day and saw the way they looked in each others eyes. It flooded me with that moment Jason and I shared the promises, the looks, the love. I think the hard stuffs only just begun.

I love you bubelah.

Mr. Timmy Timmerson reflects

Jerry berry boo remembers

No one plays with Jörge like daddy did.

There was always love

resilience, respite

Grave to Gavel

I changed my name today.

Just walked in and did it.

It needed to happen.

I called Jason’s daughter first to let her know of my plan. I wanted to be sure she knew she will always be my family. She gave me love and said someday she would be married and change her name too. Family is what you make it, not who shares your name.

It is yet another day that I will lay my head down a different person than when I awoke.

Hi, I’m Terra Nicolle, it’s nice to meet you.

Now a widow, my married name isn’t who I am anymore. My maiden name isn’t either, that was a long time ago. I couldn’t really move forward being tagged by the past. I’m also feeling at this point that I belong to no man; neither my father nor a husband. I am an independent woman. So I decided to use my middle name as my last name; with a tweak.

Part of this process was to search for history and meaning of names, because I’m curious about that kind of stuff. That’s when I discovered the Kabalarians. They believe in a mathematical calculation of your name to determine if it can help or hinder your ability to fulfill your destiny which is based on your day of birth. Fascinating.

I’d never heard of them before, so of course I promptly started my complimentary name report, followed up by a casual free phone consultation with a lovely older lady in Vancouver Canada. It’s a small group of followers I think, but I figure I’ll take all the insight I can get.

Turns out, the picture painted of me was pretty spot on; highs and lows, ins and outs. I entered various names of my past; time and again the results resembled who I was at that point. Then I got to Nicole, my possible new last name. It was quite clear, no, no, no. The forecast was a dismal image of a life unsatisfied.

So I played with the spelling; after all each letter has a numerical value that changes its outcome. I tried using a Y, a K, even both; I mean how many ways can you spell Nicole? Turns out quite a few and none of the results were good.

These people may not dictate my identity, but they had my attention. After many variations, I tried an extra “L” and that was it. Nicolle. Nee-coal-l (ooh Lala). They suggested it brings balance and stability needed to be fulfill my destiny. It seemed right. It felt right. So hey, “what the L”.

That was the clerks line at the courthouse when I mentioned the numerological inspiration for adding the letter. I stopped by for information and a court date, but he said the judge can do it now. There was no hesitation on my part; bing bam boom, gavel down, paper stamped and walla.

Hello me.

big hugs from my friend and dearest daddy-o

resilience, respite

In the Moment

Today was a good day.

There I said it.

Out loud.

And it’s ok.

Mind you, the bar is low…

I slept well.

I had great coffee and friends to talk to, a delicious pumpkin muffin and a pretty pedicure.

I bought a soda from a cafe…
by myself …
and did not get increased heartrate, shortness of breath, anxious creepers or a soft voice.

Actually, I had a voice today, with some volume.

I’m off the meds and coming back down to earth.

I have to give it up to the universe and the people around me; both near and far. All of you. I’m merely tuning into the right channel. The music and energy of last night has lifted my day.

The compassion and skill that Dr. Katy K. has shown me has made all the difference in the world. I went to her office for wellness and she delivered. Naturally.

Maybe I’ll have another good one tomorrow!

Zen Cat