A cashier said to me “It’ll just be a second” and I nearly lost my cool. Who am I kidding, I wasn’t cool at all. I was in the midst of my first panic attack. Ever. At the drug store counter, just days after my husband took his own life. I barely got a word out as my system was going into overdrive; inside my head I was screaming at her “don’t fucking tell me to wait a second… a second can change everything!”

Jason’s life was gone in a second.

My whole world was upside down in a second.

But, it took billions of seconds to get to that point.

Which one really made the difference?

Was it the second he decided as teenager to cope by sneaking into someones stash and self-medicating his woes for the first time?

Perhaps it was the second he decided he wasn’t worth the effort to try another way to feel better.

Or the second he decided if it was good enough for his dad, death was good enough for him.

He decided to leave millions of seconds before he actually lived his last one on earth.

He was tired of counting them, so he took time in his own hands.

Now, I can only love him for all of mine.

#fucksuicide #fuckdepression #fuckaddiction

he loved the water