Keeping safe and sound these days requires proper PPE, common sense, science based planning, a healthy body and mind and unconditional love swelling in our hearts. It’s a lot. What more can we do to live in a time of pandemic? We can find a way to live safely and fully with balance.
It’s all about attitude now; finding calm, acceptance, tolerance, community and love in a time that promotes fear and chaos. If we act and live like we are suffering we will. Those finding joy and a new balance in this never before experienced time suddenly have a new type of abundance they’ve likely never known.
Thank you Mother Earth.
This day is yours and I am listening. You have much to say; you are showing us another way and it is greener, brighter, clearer, more breathable and more beautiful than I could have imagined. There is loss, change always comes with loss, some is too heartbreaking to bare, but it is not an end for those that live on.
It is clear to me we cannot go back to what was. Never backwards, always forwards. Right now we are in a bit of a limbo. This is my life of the last few years; stopped, placed in holding, then moving on to new. I speak from experience.
We now have a unique opportunity to BE different. We are different already; can you allow that shift in yourself to be ok? Can you embrace the possibilities it offers? What was is no more. It’s time to move forward in a new way.
I am finding my life in isolation at home is full of family and meaningful connections albeit virtually. I have the beauty of Spring in the Pacific Northwest out my window and a path to a balance of my needs and the need to shelter in place. It took intention, reflection and a lot of patience. It wasn’t easy, but it’s oh so worth it. I have modifed most every activity I used to take for granted and yet the most difficult part is witnessing others behave like it all means nothing.
It means everything!
It is possible to keep this feeling after we are “open” for business. I would even say its essential. We are now experiencing what we’ve been missing while working endlessly like a cog in the machine. We were told it was the only way to exist. How could we prove them wrong? Now we know they were.
Don’t believe it when they tell you going back is the only way, the political and industrial complex has one purpose… to serve itself. It’s time for us to serve a greater purpose for a life of true abundance.
Yes work has to get done and bills need to be paid. People need services, products, care, activity… we want to be productive! But will you go back like before? Will you make different choices? Are you all in, work first?
Will you prioritize time for the things you are suddenly steeped in like casual life with the family, uninterrupted conversations with loved ones, late mornings and lazy afternoons?
When not GO, GO, GOing now… who are you BEING? Have you found a new rhythm or a new way of thinking that feels good? Have you learned anything new about yourself? HOLD ONTO IT! Don’t let anyone take it away.
When they open the doors to the old ways, you don’t have to go in. Take another path. Wave as you walk past the insistence that you can only be what was and go forward in a new way. You can feed the machine AND feed your soul. It’s all in your attitude.
Keep on your new path holding what you’ve learned in this extraordinary time and know that you can thrive in life with greater wealth than just money. How much do you really need? Do you already have what matters? A full life is rich in many ways… question those that say otherwise.
Thats what I’m doing anyway.
This Earth Day is the most significant in my life; Gaia is speaking LOUDLY and directly to us all. Do you hear her? Mother Earth is dying for balance and we are being grounded for bad behavior. It’s time to be better, change our attitude and our priorities and at long last listen to our mother.
I remembered it… though at first I wished I hadn’t. I remember when Jason walked In the back door and I was sitting on the couch waiting for him, wearing a cute little sexy farm girl outfit. He looked right at me and said something like, oh look whose all dressed up. Guess I know what she wants. And walked right through the room and carried on his way.
I remember that was the last time I put myself out there to connect with him. I couldn’t handle anymore rejection. That moment hurt me deeply.
I’m just realizing I’ve never resolved that moment. I’m going to do that now. I won’t pack this away and carry it any longer.
I was folding a little sexy something and I realized my internal response was directly related to that moment. It just came up in a well of tears.
I loved him. I wanted to touch him and hold him and help him and guide him to wellness. I wanted him to feel soft skin and warm breath and thought we might hold each other tight. He wouldn’t let me do that anymore. He couldn’t do that anymore.
I realize now that he was a new heroin user at that time. It was about the worst it ever got for us at that time. It was the beginning of the end I think. I went to therapy to find a path through my anger.
I was mad everyday. There was so much pain. That was the summer I couldn’t speak his name. The summer I called him dude. He once asked why and I said it was because he didn’t act like my husband, friend, lover or even someone who liked me. I couldn’t speak his name. I was so so angry. Therapy quickly helped me find what I needed.
I now know he had started his conscious path that led him to his final destination. It was then I started to find a safe place to hunker down and hold steady until I could figure out what to do.
I was abandoned by him, my husband, my friend. I was dependent for the first time as an adult and he betrayed my trust.
His spirit left me long before it left his body. Sifting through his belongings with his daughter, I realize it was even longer than I let myself believe.
I found an old note. Could have been written the year he died. It was about my fears and hurts and hopes. My concerns about his behaviors. It was dated a decade before his death. 7 years before heroin. Things were not right for a long time.
It’s amazing what can be ignored in the face of love and fear of loss. I feared losing him. I feared he would walk away. I feared his abandonment and yet ironically he didn’t have to leave to abandon me.
I am learning from this.
I am continuing to grow and let go.
I am continuing to love and be loved.
I am aware.
I am letting go of the pain that this memory carries, this moment helped ready me for where I am today.
I had a quick question for dad, iPad related, as he is the family expert. A retired dentist and Apple officionado since the beginning; he is a loving example of creating the life you want for yourself.
But this isn’t about dad; a man I loved deeply as a child, though my memories are of independent weekends, trips and lunar eclipses (we’ve seen several together). No, it’s about something I said to him in the text I just wrote.
I’m full of love for this perfectly imperfect man and over the years we’ve resonated closely and have a similar groove. One of my favorite memories is when he pointed up to the sliver of a moon when I was perhaps 11 or so, and leaned in to say “That’s what the moon looked like the day you were born”. I had that moon tattooed on my body; learn more in my upcoming story: Research the artist; a guide to avoiding bad tattoos.
Ok, the text, it is why I’m here after all. Why all this for a text? It wasn’t about dad, but Dads’ don’t get much cred so I guess that’s coming up for me here. I love him so much! As he’s gotten older, and perhaps having little kids again later in life, he learned to say that he loved me more often. I never doubted it, but that was cool. I have special made-up songs for him, smells that make me think of him and traits I love about myself that I get from him.
Thanks dad.
Though this isn’t about mom either, I think I need to acknowledge that I couldn’t have said this, like this, if mom were alive. Losing her recently has created a massive shift in myself. It’s as if she gave me the ability to live again, I was reborn. Her love is the gift of life. She was a wonderful mother and a difficult woman; her force of nature and foresight kind of dominated, well, everything.
She loved dad too, in the ways she knew how, but she never seemed to resolve the loss. She seemed to treat my love like pie, if someone else got a slice it left less for her. So I filtered myself to something neutral; actually it was only recently I understood how much… and what that did to me.
I never did find a space to speak like this with her, but I did learn to hold my own space better. And now, these invisible barriers are gone. Here again, is me, using that voice in ways I’ve never known possible before. I love my mother very much, I’m grateful for her lessons and love; we are inextricably bound and I am better for it. But this isn’t about mom.
I’m sure that everything above contributes to the text I sent. A message I imagine would be a wonderful thing to read about your child, and it was a wonderful thing to find myself writing about myself. Its been a hard, deep, profound couple of years. It’s because of my parents, as much as anything, that I can be who I am now, and who I am now is as close as I’ve ever been to the child I was… and that’s amazing.
I wish you all a holiday of gratitude and the deliciousness of life; and remind you that’s it’s available to you every day of the year if you sit down and invite it to your table… even if only by text.
Hi dad…
… I’m doing great. I’ve had an amazing week+ can’t stop smiling. Lots of good stuff happening all around. I feel like I stepped out of survival mode into something else and all the things I’ve been manifesting were like “hello… we’ve been waiting for you!” It’s a little much even but I’m not complaining. Actually dad I have absolutely nothing to complain about and its quite a feeling 😘 love you!
Oh… and had a detailed checkup with wonderful health news and reasonable solutions to things that can be better. ❤️
Today is an 11/11 portal of manifestation that can open a door for the next decade. This day is made even more significant by the unique path of Mars as it goes across the Sun and also the full Moon rising tomorrow in my house, the house of Taurus.
I could feel this day coming and know it leads to a powerful new 2020 that will shift the progress of 2019 into a foundation for all that’s to come. It makes this process of declaring my intentions even more important. There is gravity in these words and I can feel their weight when I speak them.
I highly encourage you to set your intentions today. Pause and imagine what you want for yourself. I don’t have a lot of details in my plan, but I know the feelings I want to carry with me for everything I do, so that’s what I am setting. No pressure.
Manifestation begins with knowing what you want to be true, believing that it is real and feeling it like it’s happening. It’s palpable.
On this day I put to words the thoughts in my head that set my place in my future;
I intend to take care of that which needs me to take care of it, including myself; gratefully, openly, generously and thoroughly.
I intend to embrace the silence, the pause between that allows us to grow, and be a witness to what that moment brings forward.
I will choose to take on other people’s stuff or not; I can pick up their batons or not, it’s ok, and I will communicate my choices with kindness.
I intend to be healthy, strong, aligned and harmonious; thriving with clarity, creation and ingenuity because I am connected to self and the universal energies that surround everything.
I intend to write what needs to be written.
I intend to make choices that align with these intentions and ask for what I need when I need help.
I will honor and learn from the past but I will live in the present with intention for the future I want.
I will give and receive love that swells my heart and feeds my soul… for this decade and beyond.
Thank you to everyone who helped me find my way here. ❤️
That was then.
This is now.
Ready the field
Time to plow.
What is gone
Blooms what’s to be.
Everything possible
Is in front of me.
Harvest new
In place of old.
Turn the soil
Find the gold.
Open spaces
Left unclaimed,
Flourished
A life untamed.
Earth to Sun
Stars to sea
Infinite joy
Is waiting for me.
I’ll tend to the earth, Expand and explore,
Live bright and true,
Manifest and adore.
Written 4/17/18 and forgotten about. A perfect find today.
FB popped this “memory” up today. This division holds true in society, but I’ve felt an invasive touch of persecution too, in my own little world. It’s strange to apply it in this way, but it sadly fits. Here I go… 😌
My experiences are my truth and I am bound to them, gratefully. Keeping grace while defending the reality of my existence is not easy. That may be bit dramatic, but it can feel that way when being told your truth is anything but.
Sometimes I have to clench onto the “unreal” things I’ve experienced spiritually and emotionally since Jason died because others “reality” can’t understand it. They try to take it away and reduced it to nonsense because it doesn’t fit into their belief system, but that’s not really the challenge.
I can’t change another, but I don’t want to repeat their behavior by shutting them out. It was the same challenge with my husband. I think that’s the big test for someone claiming to keep an open mind.
We are all entitled to our thoughts; it’s about respecting another’s voice while knowing I can’t and won’t change my truth to fit their needs. I can stay true to me AND embrace those that don’t understand it. That’s it, the skill to master, the one that can make all the difference. I’m still working on it and thankful for the role models in my life that demonstrate it.
Immersion of beliefs can free caged minds, if we let them in. It’s where I am, open to what crosses my path, keeping a piece of what feels right to me and letting that which doesn’t roll by.
There is room in us all for the mysterious and the defined. The understood and the unknown. Our held beliefs as truth and the possibility there’s more than we know.
I am building my new house and without question the foundation will be stronger than ever. The wolves can huff and puff but this house won’t blow over again.
Have a blessed day; may you find something good in all the realities around you.
I’m not tapping into the artery of politics these days but I have to say…. I TOLD YOU SO.
For every oil spill you hear about assume there is 100 you don’t. They don’t know or they don’t want you to know, or merely current regulations don’t require them to report it… to anyone. For decades “small” spills have quietly happened as these corporations and their lackeys have become in the financial majority with the influencing vote and no intention of doing anything but keeping that status.
When they say small insignificant spills happen with “no” impact, only a mere 20 gallons or so, keep in mind that in WA if I discard a quart of car oil improperly, because of possible environmental hazards, I could get a huge fine and even jail time. There is nothing insignificant about crude oil in your soil, just ask a farmer. Or a worm.
One silver lining to my current day to day life is the absolute necessity to check out from the mundane drudgery of the political circus. The TV chaos. The anger. It’s all too much for me. I’m too tethered to an ethereal world of energy right now, and those surges of negativity and oppression, plutocracy and egocentric annihilation of those deemed lesser than by a holier-than-thou few is unbearable.
As a result, I’ve checked out. Despite that, however, a few current events have eeked into my bubble. You know; mass shootings, deadly (insert natural disasters here), threats of war, sex scandals, shock and awe. The headlines and the footnotes are more than I can manage, more than any of us should have to manage. Constant overwhelming surges of agony from all over the world. And this is all small stuff; merely specks that survived the sieve around my existence.
It’s important to note the big stuff that’s not getting through; the marketing of it all. The promotion and televised chaos of it all. The mismatched mangled incompetent and incomplete telling of it all. The declarations of blame before anyone knows what happened. This stuff is absent, it is not missed.
It is gibberish and nonsense that adds nothing to the quality of my life and quite clearly detracts; evidenced by a physical irritability that is intensely present when I hear minutes of (pick a news source) blathering on about a man and his dancing ponies. If they really wanted to stop him, they would talk about the people doing what’s right in the country and silence his name. Like a spoiled child, no attention is often the key to changing their behavior. But that’s not the industry objective, selling stories, that’s what they are there to do.
But I digress.
Today, I see a blurb about the Dakota pipeline. A cause I was very passionate about and resolute in its harmfulness. I am still inspired by the coming together of millions of global activists and ordinary people to challenge this corporate act of greed that trampled on the sacred lives of generations.
This pipeline was a travesty against humanity in many ways, the least of which was how they illegally (and successfully) battered, abused and maimed the civic minded protestors, going so far as to pass a law allowing protestors to be run over by a vehicle if they are in the road. Extraordinary people who came together and lived in extreme conditions for months and years to stop this potential environmental assault; and it all started with one woman’s will to protect her sons grave from being decimated.
Her call was heard around the world and it changed lives forever.
Previous leadership merely hit the pause button on the pipeline for proper research; something quickly removed by the successor. Private militia armed with weapons and dogs moved in and stood guard against unarmed citizens, driving them off their own land. The media said nothing.
Sometimes there was a mention here and there about a famous person who spoke out, maybe a nod that there’s was some hubbub at all. Nothing of the thousands of veterans who gathered to protect their native brethren, a promise they swore with honor to protect our countrymen and land against all enemies foreign and domestic. Or the thousands who marched in front of the White House, camping in the parks for days.
Ordinary people were compelled to preserve history, not repeat it. They stood peacefully against the tyranny and virtual slaughter of a people in our modern day. There was little mention of the tribes that gathered and stood together representing clans from coast to coast. Incredible ceremonies with thousands of strangers living communally in peace and with intent to stand for their rights to have clean water. Clean water for all of us. This was not a native experience, it was a human experience; joining people from all walks of life and all over the world.
It seemed the media didn’t deem these stories worth telling. I believe, it’s all part of the grand scheme of a terrorist regime – yes I called them terrorists. They certainly create a sense of terror in me. It’s not one man at the top, it’s a conglomerate of powers that set the agenda for their rule; which requires witless chaos and distraction so people don’t rise up or even realize they can. From the owners of media empires to the owners of political chiefs; they want us to think we are at their mercy… but please don’t forget, THEY are at ours.
Again, I digress. See how easy it happens!
For me the lowest of low was watching this new president stand at a podium on the new pipeline that was battled to the bitter end. Standing in front of oil cronies and angry white men he gloated about industry growth and oil futures and said he thought people might be upset. He thought someone might complain, but nope, not a peep. Everyone is happy with the new pipeline. With a dropped jaw and a stale tear I was sickened.
Unbelievable. Despicable. Disgusting. Immoral. This was our new leadership setting their agenda and those are the feelings it emoted, constantly choking from the foul taste of watching things our country has fought and died for being swept away like fast food crumbs off the shirt of a loudmouth tycoon.
In my current state of being I am trying to live without judgment. I am trying to let people be as they are because I was graciously gifted with the ability to let myself be how I am, in grief and transition, from moment to moment.
I was encouraged to allow the process and live things as they come, not worry about what should or shouldn’t be because there was no judgement. It was a liberating, life changing, philosophical gift. I have been thrown onto a new path in my journey and it is not an easy road. Everyday is a new day and a new chance to be better for it.
When I encounter the idiocracy and detrimental absurdity of the going ons in the political world these days it immediately fills me with judgement and anger. As mentioned, this something I am trying to live without. But these are not ‘let them live their own life’ situations, people or problems; these are national and global crisis that will only be better if we make it happen. Alas, as is my life these day, rather than firing all my guns, I have instead made some key reflections.
One, same news different day. Other than players and places, very little has changed. I realize the last 123 days since Jason’s passing would likely have been filled with that constant negative energy had I not turned it off. Truth is, our life was like that before he died; whether caused by his emotional stress or my political ones (or everyday relationship stuff) it was ripe with negativity. Hence, my bubble. I need balance.
On a side note, about all the effort while little has seemingly changed; I was recently asked if it was worth it. “Wasting” my time on the political soap box I climbed on, when I could have been spending that time and energy on my now deceased husband. Beyond the utter shock of the question, I could only say of course it was worth it. I wanted to say I was inspired and motivated by a cause unlike ever before in my life. Jason was proud of me and encouraged my participation; from homemade Bernie Bling to becoming a delegate or creating my own protests. He may have rolled his eyes, but he helped me make my signs. He may have ignored the babble, but he helped me build the podium.
We shared similiar ideologies, although politics was not a conversation we often ventured into. Bernie ignited my spirit and called on the activist within to get up and participate. True love doesn’t put out a fire in someone’s heart, it fans it. Jason fanned my flame. This was my journey, for all its ups and downs and I had the blessing to merge it for 15 years with his. I don’t regret a thing.
OK, number two, I still care. Very much. These things I fought against are still worth fighting for. Only I can’t do it the same way now. I have merely conceded to the people on the frontlines who can do what I cannot. I send them my will and hopes to carry into the many battles ahead. I have not surrendered the cause.
Three, this too shall pass, I can only hope sooner than later. Whatever the rhetoric is today, as we have seen over an over, it does not mean it will come to fruition. Out of the ashes of despair bloom beautiful flowers; and what is done can’t be undone. What I can do is try to create my little world in the way I want the whole world; full of love and dialogue, kindness and momentum towards positive things.
From where I am sitting, I see a big picture. I see legal action that started immediately finally getting it’s day in court. I see strangers helping strangers and pure energy flowing all around and through us. I hear the cries of people now feeling the consequences of the actions they did, or did not take when they had the chance. Becoming aware is a growing pain like any other; it hurts, and once done there is no going back. Life is like a magnet, in order to function properly there must be positivity and negativity; without that balance, there is no connection. It will take a connection to ourselves, each other and the planet to save us all. Sounds tough but all that is required to do it is the decision to do it, the rest comes quite naturally.
I will fight the good fight, love hard and sleep well. Today my good fight is this, tomorrow it may be simply doing what is expected of me. But whatever the battle, big or small, I will rise with a positive vision of the outcome, live authentically to accomplish my goals and speak my truth.
I have been blessed by the love and life I was able to share with Jason. All the people he brought into my world, all the dreams we shared, the laughter and kisses, squirrel fives and smoosh smooshes.
I’ve felt the highest highs and lowest lows of my life with him, for him, because of him.
If you knew him, you miss him. He was once full of life and joy; he was generous to a fault. His laughter filled the room while his smile brightened it. The man I buried was a different man, he was suffering and in pain, we all were.
So much of the last few months has been processing that, who and what he became, how he chose to go. The good memories are starting to flicker more often in the movies of my mind.
I witnessed two of my friends wed the other day and saw the way they looked in each others eyes. It flooded me with that moment Jason and I shared the promises, the looks, the love. I think the hard stuffs only just begun.
Artichokes and Abalone 