A few days ago I made a decision.
If I am choosing to be a new me
then I’m going to be
someone who doesn’t mind
This morning I found myself
walking through the house
trying to find the clean laundry basket
to put on a shirt.
Turns out I already put the clothes away.
I’ll consider that progress.
The Road to Resilience is the path I tread,
often weak and weary.
So I focus on the journey ahead,
to keep from being dreary.
“Get back to normal” is something I hear.
I understand what they mean.
My normal was not like most though.
My normal, I could only hope, was not yours.
Not that it was all bad, because nothing can be.
It’s that I don’t think it was normal;
in any way other than to say there is no normal,
so in that sense, sure,
But I don’t want to go back to it.
Being outside of it is the light at the end of a long dark tunnel.
Finding a new normal is the way of the day.
Not cloaked in darkness any longer,
the darkness was not mine.
Right now my normal is a breath of air,
a kiss of wind,
a drop of rain,
a hug from a friend,
a paw in my lap.
This is where I will be for awhile,
I am in no rush to get anywhere else.
I just saw the dress I wore at Jason‘s burial washed and folded.
I wasn’t prepared for that.
It still had that day on it.
I didn’t put it in the basket,
but it was there and it was washed.
Now it’s clean and new.
But I’m not.
Not even close.
I miss your face.
I’ve missed your smile even longer.
For 15 years we had our special ways to show each other love.
Even on the bad days.
Days don’t get much worse than this.
I know you will feel all my love today.
More love all around than you’ve ever imagined.
But it was your love for yourself that changed our lives the most.
May you have peace in the beyond.
I am a person who receives great joy in giving; particularly through food. Giving is far easier than receiving. I am overwhelmed. The loss, the found, the fear and the hope… all of it. What is pouring out of you is filling my heart with more than it knows how to hold, and it pours out of me in buckets of tears. While I am in an unreal place, the daunting weight of reality still sits in front of the next door that I have to walk through. All of these words and actions to support me are just…. I can’t even say. I humbly accept it all; from coffee, to cake, to greens of all kinds. This link is a gift of time, something of unmeasurable worth. If all you have is a reason to laugh or a shoulder to cry on, I’ll take it. And I honor it all. And I treasure it all. And I will spend my forever paying it forward. Thank you, all of you. I know that beyond his darkness, Jason loved me deeply and truly. I know that he wanted nothing but the best for me and tragically he wouldn’t take another path to set us free from his demons. I am sick with the thought. Mercy and grace are upon him.
In 2002 Jason and I reconnected after 12 years of doing our thing. He walked through my door and it was thunder bolts and lightening, legendary sparks. That day is marked in my calendar as “the first day of the rest of my life”. 3 years later we were married on that day. Here we are again, 12 years later and I find myself experience another first day of the rest of my life. It’s only fitting the forecast is thunder and lightening.
I will honor your memory for all my days.
RIP my beloved. There will never be another love like ours.
July 9, 1973 – September 10, 2017
Day on the Boat
Our Last Selfie
A service company just took me for a sucker.
Yep. I shoulda known.
Got drawn into something I’ve turned away from scores of times.
But it caught me.
They used a bigger better free trial as bait.
Yep. I shoulda known.