A few days ago I made a decision.
If I am choosing to be a new me
then I’m going to be
someone who doesn’t mind
exercise
or housekeeping.
Why not.
This morning I found myself
walking through the house
trying to find the clean laundry basket
to put on a shirt.
Turns out I already put the clothes away.
I’ll consider that progress.

“Get back to normal” is something I hear.
I understand what they mean.
My normal was not like most though.
My normal, I could only hope, was not yours.
Not that it was all bad, because nothing can be.
It’s that I don’t think it was normal;
in any way other than to say there is no normal,
so in that sense, sure,
it’s normal.
But I don’t want to go back to it.
Being outside of it is the light at the end of a long dark tunnel.
Finding a new normal is the way of the day.
Not cloaked in darkness any longer,
the darkness was not mine.
Right now my normal is a breath of air,
a kiss of wind,
a drop of rain,
a hug from a friend,
a paw in my lap.
This is where I will be for awhile,
I am in no rush to get anywhere else.

I just saw the dress I wore at Jason‘s burial washed and folded.
I wasn’t prepared for that.
It still had that day on it.
His dirt.
Our goodbye.
I didn’t put it in the basket,
but it was there and it was washed.
Now it’s clean and new.
But I’m not.
Not even close. 

I miss your face.
I’ve missed your smile even longer.
For 15 years we had our special ways to show each other love.
Even on the bad days.
Days don’t get much worse than this.
I know you will feel all my love today.
More love all around than you’ve ever imagined.
But it was your love for yourself that changed our lives the most.
May you have peace in the beyond.